1 December 2011

Chocolates Are Forever: Essential Sweets For Bond Villains

With the latest James Bond film, Skyfall, heading for the big screen in 2012 it’s no wonder that critics, fans and financiers alike are eagerly waiting for this latest offering which sees Daniel Craig playing the role of the secret agent for the third time.

This is the 23rd Bond film and heralds the 50th anniversary of the first ever James Bond film, Dr No. Of course, as with any 007 adventure, there are several important questions that just have to be answered i.e.
  • Who will direct it?
  • Who will be the baddy?
  • Who will be the Bond girl?
  • Where will Bond go on his latest adventure tours?
The answers to the above can be found at the end of this article because, for now, we need to concentrate on an all the more pressing question, something that even the late, great Cubby Broccoli himself would struggle with.

As with any trip to the flicks there are rituals associated with the event. From occupying your favourite seat to ensuring your phone is well and truly switched off. A tried and tested check list allows you to sit back and watch the film in silent cinema seat comfort.

However, there’s one little subject that can often prove a bit sticky and that’s what food to eat while you’re in the theatre. Of course, no one likes a noisy rustler and the thought of taking in anything hot and smelly will fill most movie-goers with absolute dread. But, what if you’re not a good person like the majority of us? What if you’re downright villainous?

It’s with this thought in mind that we turn our attention to the baddest of the bad, the downright despicable and thoroughly corrupt. The ultimate in evil genius: the Bond villain.

These dastardly crooks that we love to hate wouldn’t think twice about taking a kebab, burger or even a packet of crisps into the cinema and so the suggestions below are designed to appeal to their less selfish natures and allow us Bond fans to watch the film in peace.

What sweets would appeal to a Bond villain?

Auric Goldfinger – this larger than life smuggler would invariably opt for the allure of glittering sophistication that is associated with a box of Terry’s All Gold. To see Auric’s face ‘light up’ would be a joy to behold and there are enough soft and chewy centres to keep this fat boy quiet until the end of the film.

Bond: "Do you expect me to eat the hard centres?"
Goldfinger: "No, Mr Bond. I expect you to die."

Ernst Stavro Blofeld – cat loving and bereft of hair, Blofeld is the quintessential evil genius popping up in not one but five Bond films. The need to continuously stroke his feline companion put me in mind of a child looking for a soothing comforter and so what better sweet for our villainous friend than a good old-fashioned lolly pop – who loves you baby!

Bond: “What do you intend to do with those lollies?”
Blofeld: “An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon. If I were to break the news to anyone it would be to you first, Mr Bond, you know that.”

Francisco Scaramanga – The man with the golden gun was born and raised in a travelling circus and thus began his scurrilous love of marksmanship. The son of a ring master and snake charmer, there was probably little or no time for a nutritious diet so old ‘triple nipple’ would have developed a craving for the sweet taste of candy floss – perfect for eating in silence.

Bond: “We all get our jollies one way or another.”
Scaramanga: “Mine has always been candy floss, Mr Bond.”

Dr Julius No – Coming from a Middle Class background with a passion for physics you’d have thought Dr No would have excelled in the workplace however, after rejection by both the Americans and the Soviets a revengeful life of crime was probably inevitable. The Dr is crying out to be loved and from his metal hands to his dextrocardia disorder, there’s only one suitable sweet to melt this mad scientist and that’s a packet of fizzy Love Hearts.

Dr No: The Americans are fools. I offered my services, they refused. So did the East. Now they can both pay for their mistake.
Bond: World domination. The same old dream. Our asylums are full of people who just need some fizzy Love Hearts.

And so ends this cornucopia of cinematic criminal confectionary, if you’ve liked what you’ve read then keep an eye out for my next article entitled: What do you get the alien who has everything?

  • Skyfall is being directed by Sam Mendes.
  • Javier Bardem will play the villain.
  • Berenice Marlohe and Naomie Harris are to be the Bond girls.
  • Bond’s adventure travel destinations are: London, Scotland, Turkey and China.

    About Today's Guest Writer:
    Carl is an avid Bond fan and partial to all silent cinema snacks especially the homemade carrot cake at the Duke of York’s in Brighton.
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