20 March 2014

A Careful, Scholarly Analysis Of How You Could Still Cook Meals During A Zombie Apocalypse

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When we think about surviving a zombie apocalypse, most of us consider how we’d stock pile food and ammunition to keep us alive and safe. However, have you ever really stopped to consider how you’d cook all that food once the grid goes down? Here’s an in-depth analysis of potential methods for cooking during a zombie apocalypse.

Use a Gas Grill
Last year, the wife got me a gas grill for my birthday. Next to the banjo and ukulele she got me, this was the best present yet. Not only do I now grill pretty much every single weekend (and drink more beer because of it), but I can also use it to survive when the zombies invade and the electricity goes down.

The Pros: All I need to make my grill work is propane. And I can save up a million tanks of it if necessary. Sure it costs a little, but at least I’ll be prepared for the end, right?

Gas grills also heat up very quickly. And when you’re dealing with zombies, there’s no time to waste. Especially with my 5 burner model that gets up to 500 degrees in about 5 minutes. Oh and if you get the infrared kind with the pans at the bottom, cleanup is easy and it lasts longer without rusting out.

The Cons: What happens when you run out of gas? Maybe you can start by getting one of those huge tanks dropped off in your backyard. Although, it’s doubtful they’ll offer that service post-apocalypse.

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Cook Over an Open Fire

Just like you learned as a boy scout. It’s every man’s dream, to cook over an open fire. In fact, you might argue that there’s nothing that represents freedom more. And something about it makes meat just taste better. Maybe it’s just in our heads…

The Pros: It’s been done since the cavemen. That means it works. All you have to have is firewood and a way to light it. Could be matches, or even rubbing sticks together if you’re that skilled. No electricity or gas required. Oh, and did I mention how meat seems to taste better over an open fire? Just checking.

The Cons: First and foremost, the biggest drawback is in the name. Open fire. The last place you want to be during a zombie apocalypse is out in the open. However, that’s exactly what you need to build a fire. You also need a way to light it. Sooner or later the matches are going to run out. You better know some alternative lighting techniques. 

A Homemade Solar Oven

This past summer, I made one of these with my 4 year old as a little science project. We both had a blast. We used it to “cook” smores, which she really enjoyed. To understand why I put quotes around cook, look at the cons section.

The Pros: There are two large benefits to the solar cooker:

  • It requires no nonrenewable resource to heat it. So when the zombies take out the power lines and gas lines, and when there is no wood left to burn, you can still power this with good ol’ Mother Nature.
  • You can easily build one of these out of junk you have lying around the house. A pizza box or shoe box, foil, black paper or paint…it’s simple. So simple a 4 year old could do it. Literally.
The Cons: While these are really cool and fun to make, they aren’t very efficient. Maybe I’m just a noob, but the one me and my kid built barely even melted the chocolate on the smore. So to say we cooked with it is a bit of a stretch.

It’s also very slow going. You’re going to have to let it sit out in the sun for quite a while to heat anything up. And I’d be wary of trying to cook meat in it, because I’m not sure it would get hot enough to kill off harmful bacteria.

Oh , and you have to have full sunlight for it to even kind of work.

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The South American Wood-fired Barrel

The South American Wood-fired Barrel is exactly what you’d expect from the name. It really is a metal barrel heated by burning wood. The barrel is encased in clay.

The Pros: The fact that this barrel is surrounded in clay is a huge plus. The clay acts as insulation which makes the oven heat more efficiently. The result? You need less firewood. During the apocalypse, this will be a huge plus. First of all, getting firewood may not be easy. With zombies swarming outside, the last thing you want is to spend countless hours in the woods picking up and chopping firewood. And also, depending on where you live, acquiring firewood may prove to be a difficult task, so the less you have to use, the better.

Oh, and it’s commonly used to cook pizza. What could be bad about that?

The Cons: First of all, it’s an outdoor stove. This means you have to cook outside and risk being susceptible to zombie attacks. It’s also used typically to cook for large groups of people. That’s fine and dandy if you’re holed up with a lot of people. But if you’re just cooking for yourself, it’s not the most viable option.

What method will you use to cook food for you and your family during the apocalypse? Tell us in the replies!

About Today's Contributor
Jason Williams is an avid moviegoer. His favorite type of movies? you guessed it--zombie movies. If anyone can offer advice on what do do during the apocalypse, it's this guy.

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