15 December 2011

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7 Films That Never Need to Make it to Blu-Ray

When a new video format comes along, some films never make the transfer and may vanish from the market unless fans manage to rescue them from obscurity. This is not always a bad thing, however, as the following films from IMDB’s “Bottom 100” are a waste of a good blank BD-R and should be allowed to disappear forever.

Baby Geniuses (1999)
Comedies featuring things that shouldn’t be able to talk are rarely hits, but Baby Geniuses takes this genre to an all-time low by combining creepy CGI effects with the lamest moments from the Look Who’s Talking movies. According to this film, babies speak in a special language that adults can’t understand, but who would have thought that babies are all secretly horrible stand-up comedians?

From Justin to Kelly (2003)
While this film was purely an attempt to capitalize off the enormous success of American Idol, not even fans of that show can stomach this terrible romantic comedy musical. Even though Kelly Clarkson’s career has managed to survive the flak from this Golden Raspberry Award-winning flop, Justin Guarini didn’t fare so well.

House of the Dead (2003) 
Move over, Ed Wood. The title of worst director of all time has a new contender thanks to German tax loopholes. Uwe Boll, who is known for creating a legion of unwatchable films based upon video games, is responsible for this light gun arcade-inspired dreck that features zombies crashing a rave on an island.

Battlefield Earth: A Saga in the Year 3000 (2000)
Most bad films go unnoticed once they disappear from theaters, but every now and then a film so astonishingly awful appears that it gains legendary status. Adapted from Scientologist L. Ron Hubbard’s sci-fi novel about humanity’s struggle against a race of brutal aliens, Battlefield Earth is perhaps the most expensive B-movie ever produced and has been placed in the annals with other monumental flops such as Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space.

It’s Pat (1994)
It’s hard to say what is more impressive – someone who can manage to sit through this film or the writers who managed to take a Saturday Night Live  skit with a single joke and stretch it into over an hour of unfunny comedy. Pat Riley, created by SNL’s Julia Sweeney, is a person of undetermined sex who creates constant gender confusion everywhere he/she goes. While SNL has a long history of questionable movie adaptations, this is considered to be the worst.

The Creeping Terror (1964)
Not even the gang from Mystery Science Theater 3000 can liven up this grade-Z sci-fi horror film featuring a monster that resembles a filthy shag carpet. The “carpet” monster, which barely moves and has no discernible way to grab its prey, seems to prefer women in high heels, as the director is obsessed with taking many long shots of women’s legs as they slowly become devoured.

Glitter (2001)
If Madonna’s film career has taught us anything, it’s that pop stars should stick to performing music. This dull Mariah Carey vehicle is a rags-to-riches musical about a struggling singer who gets her big break. Both the film and its soundtrack were critical failures, which make them the last things anyone would want to burn onto a blank BD-R.

About today's Guest Writer:
Brandi Tolleson is a comedy writer of excellent taste who amuses herself, and hopefully others, as well.

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