10 May 2012

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Freeze Dried Salvation (from The Walking Dead)

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that an epically proportioned, terrifying, apocalyptic, world-ending catastrophe is about to occur. Forget about water scarcity and global warming; did you know that there are an estimated 389 billion dead people on the planet Earth?! Do you have any idea what that means?!

Obviously, it implies that the dead outnumber the living by about 55 to 1, and with those kind of odds, and with the oblivious nutjobs we have running our national defense initiatives (who haven’t answered a single one of my letters), we pretty much don’t stand a chance in hell of coming out on top in the impending zombie apocalypse. So if you have even half a brain in your head, then you’ll know like I do that the shit is about to hit the fan on Dec. 21st, just like the Mayans predicted in their fancy calendar, which just so happens to be the most accurate one ever created.

That means that you have less than eight months to finish construction on your concrete bunker and to get it fully stocked with sixty-five years worth of food, water, and anti-psychotic medication (I’ve been stockpiling mine for years).Here is what some of the more logical, forward-thinking people in our society are doing to prepare their food supplies:

Bulk Buying Freeze Dried Food
This one ought to be fairly obvious. If you are going to be living in a bunker for the next half-century, you’re going to need something to eat. Freeze dried foods are a perfect solution. They are light, compact, and have a long shelf life. Just add water and you are ready to consume the nutrients you’ll need to keep combating the living dead.

Also, buying in bulk is a great way to cut down on costs and to fill up that storage pantry in a hurry, because––let’s face it––you don’t have much time. But keep in mind when buying that the typical bagged dehydrated foods have a much shorter shelf life (about 7 years) than the canned variety, some of which can keep for upwards of 25 years.

Stocking Up On MREs

For some of us, staying put and hunkering down in a bunker just isn’t a viable option. So if you need to be on the move, you will need compact meals that take no time to prepare. In step Meals Ready to Eat. They are completely pre-prepared meals of complex proteins and carbohydrates, neatly stored in a container you can eat from. No mixing ingredients, no hassle, just pour in hot water, stir, and eat. MREs also have additional advantage of being lightweight and easily transported.

Now, there are certainly some disadvantages to freeze dried foods that you should think about before going out and buying 75 tons of them. First, you will need to have plenty of water on hand to rehydrate your food with, so factor that into your planning. Secondly, dehydrated foods are more expensive than, for example, wet canned foods, so you will be making a big investment by buying them. It is probably best to keep supplies of about half canned, half dehydrated foods in your bunker pantries––that way you can have a bit of variety, save a bit of water, and cut costs. The last, however, shouldn’t be too much of a concern: everyone knows that the world economy is on the verge of collapse and that money will be completely worthless after the apocalypse comes.

Good luck out there...
Although we are looking forward to 50kg of Grandma's Pork Loaf, we hope it will not be necessary, and wish you a happy Zombie-free 2012.

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