14 December 2011

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5 Tips to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse in the Office

So there you were, sat at work typing away when suddenly the radio on in the background cut from regular programming to emergency news bulletins talking of widespread panic. Reports began with the realistic explanations and understandings only science knows; cannibalism and mass murder, but soon progressed as severed corpses rose from the dead and the infection spread. The emergency broadcast system went into overdrive, warning people to barricade and secure whatever building they were in and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES leave into the outside world. Sadly nothing could stop it, not the government or the military, and now the human race is doomed from what appears to be the Zombie apocalypse.

You might have suddenly realised that with no fuel being sourced and no upkeep to the electricity grid technology will soon be redundant, so you’ve all ran to the nearest computer in the office. You’ve also been sensible from your survival instincts, and instead of updating your Facebook status you’ve decided to use the last bit of juice from the power supplies to Google search what the hell you need to do to survive this nightmare.

Congratulations if you’ve found this page, either the SEO gods have been kind or you’ve searched the right term. Good thing at least one person thought ahead, yes? Everyone laughed when that poor Leicester citizen questioned the council about their zombie emergency procedures, in hindsight you probably should have listened.

I’ll stop talking and cut to the chase, there’s a rumour in the west that Google’s servers only have 3 days left maximum so time is scarce. Here are some tips to survive the zombie apocalypse, mentally and physically…

Okay, so the zombie apocalypse wasn’t convenient to begin with, and now you have to spend it stuck at work? It may sound annoying, but at least you’re not one of “them” and you still have your limbs intact. Your home console, widescreen TV, comfy sofa and coffee machine won’t save you now, get with the times and convert any redundant electrical gadgets into functional tools for the situation.

You know that guy in HR who always leaves his food laying around and everyone is constantly moaning about? Well turn around to him now, say sorry and make your peace because he’s just boosted your rations and possibly saved everyone’s lives. A food and ration plan is in order as you need to keep eating for as long as possible. Eventually the inevitable will happen and you will run out of food, but you can cross that bridge when it arrives after gathering some knowledge on the situation (see next tip).

There are no media resources available and no scientific researches being carried out anymore. No one is going to tell what you’re dealing with and how to deal with it, so keep an eye on things outside, whether it’s from the window or the roof. Do the walking dead have patterns or routines? Do they react or become distracted by anything? From here you can collectively assess a map of the area you are locked down in for the nearest resources and supplies like grocery stores, vehicles and weapons and figure out the best plan of action when leaving becomes essential to survival.

While there is still time look around and see what limited items are available for your weapon arsenal. You’ve been making fun out of all the geeks on the internet with too much time on their hands for years, now it’s time to accept them as your lords and saviours. Google search terms like “turning smart phone into a weapon” or “building an armour suit out of desktop PCs” to get the best out of dead technology. Do you have any long objects like desk wiring cases or those sticks with the hook on the end that open high up windows? Get them and attach any pointy/stabby/dangerous object you can find at the end. The more distance between you and one of “them”, the less chance you have of becoming a meaty snack. You might be in an office with a production line or warehouse area located in the building too. If so go there now, they’re a gold mine for dangerous and heavy machinery tools.

Everyone says work should be mentally stimulating and employees should have a self-sense of company value.  Even if you had the most boring, mundane, repetitive job in the world before the zombie apocalypse, you are now part of one company and one business worldwide, all equal from within to play an important role in the survival of the human race. Embrace it like a promotion and take pride in your work. And of course by work I mean killing off the living dead content with eating you and your co-workers…

Good Luck!

About today's Guest Writer:
When Donald Parfew wrote this article, he was a space designer for used office furniture supplier LAMoffice. Right now as you read this he’s probably sniping zombies from a roof and leading a counter revolution against the living dead. One day in the near future you may hear of the mysterious legend of Donald, and how he gave the human race a ray of hope for survival…

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