14 September 2009

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Is My Next Door Neighbour A Vampire?

'That important and vital question on almost everyone's lips...
The one that, once answered, could make the ultimate difference between staying alive and ending up as a creature of the night... But, also, the one that not many people dare asking aloud.'  
Extract from Loup d'Argent's (unpublished) Memoirs.

Is My Next Door Neighbour A Vampire?
A Reader's Letter:

"Dear Loup,

For many decades, the house next to mine
has been left empty and is now almost derelict.
A few months ago the grand-son of the previous
(and deceased) owner has moved in.
The fact that he looks exactly like his grandfather
(though a bit younger) is not too strange I suppose,
but I quickly noticed that his behaviour was
rather suspicious and made me believe that he is
actually a vampire of the blood sucking kind.

Here are the reasons why:
  1. He only gets out mostly at night and always comes back home before dawn.
  2. His face is very pale.
  3. He avoids being exposed to the sun as much as possible during the rare occasions he sets foot outside during daytime.
  4. His curtains are always drawn.
  5. His canines are rather pointy.
  6. He speaks with a foreign accent.
  7. He won't touch the garlic bread I keep baking especially for him, even when I try to force feed him.
  8. When he comes back with a young woman, it doesn't take long before I can hear her making strange noises.
  9. I never see any of his female visitors leave.
  10. I never see any of his female visitors again.
  11. When I accidentally sprayed holy water from an old washing-up liquid bottle to his face, he ran back home covering his face and screaming.
  12. Another time, I left a crucifix on his doorstep and, not only he had a horrified look on his face but he also used the back door to go out instead since then.
  13. He does look like the guy who played Angel.
Please Loup, tell me if I am imagining things.

A Wannabe Vampire Slayer.

PS: Could you send me a picture of yourself please?
I do love the stuff you write and I believe I am your
number one fan.

Thank you in advance.

Also, if by any chance you happen to be in the area,
you are cordially invited to come to my home for a
chat or something."

The Reply:

"Dear Wannabe Vampire Slayer,

No, you are not imagining things, but the reasons making you believe that your neighbour could be a vampire are not proofs enough unfortunately.

Here is why:
  1. He might be working nights.
  2. It would if he is working nights.
  3. He might be a health conscious freak (not a good enough reason to dust him though) and, the sun is not really good for anyone anyway.
  4. It could be because he can sleep better with the curtains drawn.
  5. So are mine.
  6. So do I, and so do lots of other people. Not all vampires are born abroad, you know.
  7. He could simply be allergic to garlic or just not like the stuff.
  8. If the noises made by the young woman sound like the ones made by Jane Birkin in the famous song 'Je t'aime moi non plus' then either you are very young or far too innocent for your own good. 
  9. They might have left while you were asleep (you do sleep don't you?).
  10. They could have been one-night stands.
  11. Did you rinse the container before filling it with the holy water? Residues of washing up liquid in the eyes can be very painful.
  12. He could be a born again Christian (still not a good enough reason to dust him)... Some of them do have an aversion to crucifixes.
  13. Not all vampire look like the guy who played Angel, fortunately for them.
The only way to be sure if your neighbour is really a vampire, would be of course to see if he turns to dust after having been staked. Which, according to many countries' laws, would also
mean that, if he is not one, you will find yourself arrested for murder.

The best advice would be that, as long as he doesn't attack you (though, if you carry on trying to force feed him with garlic bread and spraying washing up liquid to his face, he might anyway...and there is no news of people or animals having been drained of their blood in the area you live, to let him be.

If he is a vampire but has renounced the traditional way of feeding, he definitely deserves some support. If he is not a vampire, you might find yourself served with an injunction or arrested for harassment.

To be on the safe side, you could also have a look at the advice I gave in 'How To Wear Water Around Your Neck...', just in case...

I hope that helped.

Loup d'Argent

PS: Unfortunately, I cannot send you the picture of me you requested, as I never had my picture taken again since soon after the first camera was invented, the photographer who took my portrait became mad trying to understand why I didn't show in the picture.

I sadly cannot describe myself either as I do not reflect very well in mirrors.

Thank you very much for your invitation to visit you in your home, I will definitely drop in, one of these nights, for a bite or two."

Video-Clip: History of Vampires

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